All of my participants spoke about the religious quality of Judaism and Jewish identity, though each had different experiences with its religious parts. In some ways, their ideas of Judaism as a religion had a lot to do with constructing an ethnic identity as a member of a group, which I discuss more in the page about Jewish identity. Ellen was the only one of the three to grow up going to synagogue and to have a bat/bar mitzvah, though Lara did briefly attend synagogue as a child after her parents divorced.
For Ellen, her childhood synagogue represented community.
I loved [the synagogue]. [...] I mean, my friends were there. [...] I liked the people there. I liked I think the sense of community, is— through reading through your questions and through thinking about things, I think that's what I always looked for in a— in religion is a sense of community.
― Ellen, (0:09:00)
Up until her early teenage years, Ellen attended the only synagogue in the town of Wethersfield, Connecticut. Her family was quite active there. Between Saturday morning services, Sunday school, and after-school Hebrew school at a neighbor's house, Ellen grew up with no lack of Jewish religious education and participation. In fact, she was one of the first women to have a bat mitzvah at her synagogue.
Afterwards, however, her family switched to a "synagogue where there were more young people" so she would date boys who were Jewish. Ellen hated the new synagogue and refused to go. Ironically, it was only later in her life — after she married a non-Jewish man — that she would return to synagogue.
So they moved to this other synagogue that was Reform, and I absolutely hated it and refused to go to it. So that was kind of it for me with synagogue until much later in my life when I was with Gampy.
― Ellen, (0:11:22)
In between her childhood and returning to attending a synagogue, Ellen felt little need to be a part of any organized Jewish religion. She already had a community of people around her.
And [the community of people I lived with] was kind of I guess my community. [...] I probably would never have even, at that point, thought of joining a synagogue. Yeah.
― Ellen, (0:35:17)
When she did go back, however, it was again for a sense of community. After a friend passed away from cancer, Ellen attended a funeral service and missed the "strong community support" that she felt there. Judaism, however, was not an obvious choice. After she attended a Quaker meeting and checked out Unitarianism, investigating where she could find religious community, Ellen found a small, interfaith synagogue in Hebron, a nearby town. She then began to bring Luke and Liz, her children with Gampy, to the synagogue.
And I was willing to make the effort to bring Luke there and— and Liz. And to get involved. And Gampy was willing to let me do it. You know, he felt like, yes, it would be really nice to give our kids something. Some faith that they can do what they want with, you know.
― Ellen, (0:44:59)
However, she felt like she should not and could not bring Gabe, who was around 16 at the time. At that point, she felt like he was too old: "it wasn't like there was a Sunday school class for a 16 year old." Her relationship with Reid, Gabe's father, also made the prospect of bringing him daunting. Since Reid had custody of Gabe for many weekends, getting Reid to let Gabe go to synagogue on Saturdays "just seemed impossible" to Ellen. Adding more complexity was Gabe's church attendance, which made Ellen worried that bringing him to synagogue would be confusing. However, she was unsure if she made the right decision, saying, "I don't know if that was the right thing or the wrong thing."
Gabe wished that he had attended synagogue with Ellen when she resumed attending. He said that he regrets her decision to not bring him, though he did not blame her and understood why she made it. In fact, he said that some of the reasons she did not bring him were the same as some of the reasons that he did not bring his children to synagogue.
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― Gabe, (0:30:23)
He felt that he missed out on something core to Judaism as a kid by not attending synagogue. Since he was not raised Jewish, he did not learn the rituals and traditions associated with Judaism. He also felt like a part of his Jewish identity was lacking since attending synagogue is "a shared experience that most Jews have" that he does not. Retrospectively, he wished that he had experienced Judaism more fully much earlier in his life.
In fact, Gabe explicitly compared Judaism with Christianity when talking about his regrets about attending synagogue. Since his mom did not practice when he was younger and his dad wanted to raise him Christian, he ended up attending a Christian church. Though he celebrated Jewish holidays with his mother, he attended church with his father "twice on Sunday." He also attended Bible summer camp. However, later in life, he felt more at home with the symbols of Judaism. He felt "very turned off by Christianity" in part because of the space between how he saw some Christians acting and what they claimed to believe.
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― Gabe, (1:14:43)
Just as Ellen resumed attending synagogue as an adult, Gabe decided to attend synagogue later after he got divorced. His decision stemmed partly from a desire to work out pain and sadness that he felt. Attending synagogue helped him figure out "where [he] was headed" and reflect on his life. Gabe also said that attending synagogue was part of rationalizing and figuring out who he was. In the future, he wants to go through the conversion process in order to learn more about Judaism and what it means.
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― Gabe, (1:31:39)
Judaism attracted Gabe in part because of how he understood the relationship between a person and God. Despite feeling like he needed to know more, he felt that in Judaism, "God is in small moments" and "manifests in everyday life." For Gabe, Judaism was attractive as a religion precisely because it was not easy.
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― Gabe, (1:34:58)
Just as Gabe did not attend synagogue as a child but did participate in Jewish holidays, Lara only went to synagogue for a short period in her childhood. However, she remembers and cherishes celebrating Passover with her extended family. For Lara, the pull towards religious Judaism is its community.
I thought it was a lot of fun. I love the stories. I love the atmosphere. I think the most alluring thing about religion to me is the community, which was always just so welcoming. And we did that and we still celebrate holidays every year with both our immediate family at times like Hanukkah and with our extended family for Passover. And that is one of my favorite times of the year.
― Lara, (0:07:41)
Recently, Lara realized that she wanted to know more about Judaism "in a religious sense." In addition to wishing that she had been raised Jewish by Gabe, who in turn wished he had been raised Jewish by Ellen, Lara wished that she had sought out Judaism herself at a younger age. In college, she is majoring in Jewish Studies and learning Hebrew in an attempt to "reclaim" some of her identity.
I wish that I had sought out Judaism in my own Jewish identity before now. Because I— once— once I hit middle school, and I realized, kind of, what the situation was, there are things I could have done.
― Lara, (0:15:55)
All three participants said that for them, the Jewish religion was a community that they either appreciated, wanted to be a part of, or were a part of. All three also varied in their own connection to Judaism over time. When faced with practical life considerations, they made decisions that altered the way they and their children related to Judaism.